I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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