I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We left the knife in your bed.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
