my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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