I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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