Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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