Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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