saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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