in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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