Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize