Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
