Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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