the condom got lost in my hair
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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