I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
