She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.