If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
