I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
