Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
