Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
