I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
