I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
