I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he thought i was a dude.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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