half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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