My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
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i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
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His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
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