and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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