you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize