yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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