I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
