I'm laying in your front yard are you home
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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