2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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