This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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