Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
