ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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