guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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