Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I don't deserve a penis
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
