You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
