I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
