i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
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speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
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Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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