I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
