I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
