I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i've created a new STD.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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