So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
