I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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