..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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