Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
