I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
