the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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