i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
