the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
