Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
