It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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