you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
