i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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