in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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