I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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