tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
