They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.