Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
How's your threesome situation going?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty