You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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