Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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