I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
