Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
