we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
